Shame and Responsibility

For the past few weeks, I have been diving into shame. Shame does not like to be spoken about, so I thought it might actually be a good idea to write a little about it. This is important because we all have it, and we are all very afraid to talk about it. The less we talk about it, the more control it has over our lives, and it is a destructive kind of control. Brené Brown suggests giving it attention, because we often use it in the wrong way, and this is very dangerous for us as a society. Unlike guilt, which means "I did something bad" and focuses on behavior, shame means "I am bad." It focuses on the self and leads to strong feelings of worthlessness.

Humans are born with a need to belong, for human connection. So if, as children, we were made to feel bad or flawed for who we are, we develop deep feelings of shame. Shame makes us want to disappear, to hide, because anyone who discovers who we really are might reject us. Evolutionarily, its role was to make sure we were not cast out of the community or tribe, which could once mean death. Recent research on the power and intensity of shame shows that the physiological response to shame is the same as the response to trauma, which is why we do everything we can to avoid feeling it. Unlike true belonging, which is about an authentic self that knows we belong to ourselves no matter what, shame is the fear of disconnection.

As a sociologist studying emotions, I look at how we use shame and its meanings in society, and it is a very effective kind of terror. We use it as a weapon, shaming groups of people, which leads to their dehumanization, allows people to call them derogatory names, and slowly makes immoral actions against them seem acceptable. Strangely, this can also make those people stronger or gain support from others who are angry and looking for someone to blame. When we see someone acting selfishly, immorally, or in an unacceptable way, we call them shameless. The truth is that an inflated ego may look like shamelessness, but the real drivers of immoral behavior are shame, fear, and feelings of worthlessness. Shame and humiliation will never be effective tools if we aim for social justice. What we really need is responsibility and empathy.

In the years I have been teaching about social justice, I have learned that when conversations about racism or social inequality come up, shame comes with them. Without the ability to take responsibility and show empathy, responses will range from minimization, denial, ignoring others, or justifying the situation. To increase empathy, compassion, and belonging, we need to talk about shame, work through it effectively, and take responsibility for regulating our own emotions. This helps us create discussions that build social resilience and strengthen what we all need so much: empathy, compassion, and kindness.

"What matters is not what others do to us, but what we do with what they have done to us."

Didier Eribon, Return to Reims

Barbara Steger - Shame (from Pinterest)