Self-compassion

How do we treat ourselves in difficult times? In times when we are not succeeding, failing or feeling stuck, in an ongoing crisis? In moments when it is difficult for us to see the light? Is our inner speech then encouraging, soft and soothing? Or judgmental, critical and harsh? Do we want to be good to ourselves in these moments? To weaken the judging and/or accusing inner speech and be the encouraging and inclusive inner speech, like the one we would speak to our children or a beloved friend.

We know how to show compassion to others around us, but in moments of suffering when things are difficult, we become our own worst enemies. The meaning of being human is to also embrace our vulnerabilities, flaws, weaknesses, and helplessness. This doesn't just happen to us, we live in a society that sanctifies success and a high self-image. Our self-worth is measured by what we perceive as successes and by the self-image we have cultivated, but what happens when we fail? When we resist accepting ourselves as we are? The flaws? We are triggered by a judgmental voice that we don't even know is controlling us. We forget that it is possible to be kind to ourselves in these moments. In reality, the self-criticism we have of ourselves threatens our self-worth and sabotages our motivation. This is because we are attacking the problem that is us. From an evolutionary perspective, our need for people to care for us and take care of us is essential for our survival and without it we cannot thrive. We are wired for love, but we cannot fulfill this need only through other people. We must learn to take care of ourselves and show compassion to ourselves in difficult moments.

Christine Neff, a Buddhist psychologist, describes that compassion consists of three axes and humans can be located at different places along the axis.

The first axis is non-judgmental and kind. Compassion means not judging ourselves positively, but accepting who we are and choosing not to resist. Instead of thinking that something has gone wrong and getting stuck in self-blame or self-pity, acknowledge that we are not perfect. This will allow us to be kind and gentle with ourselves.

The second axis is separateness and connection. It is the recognition that we are all human, that we do not have infinite powers, and that difficult experiences are part of what it means to be human. When we are frustrated or stuck, we feel like we are the only person suffering or making mistakes, while connection to common humanity helps us understand that all humans suffer.

The third axis is identification and attention. Our ability to “take a step back” and not identify with thoughts and feelings such as anger, fear, and anxiety. This is where we are balanced, where we observe thoughts and feelings with openness and clarity, without over-identification. Mindfulness describes observing without judgment and without trying to suppress or deny. In any case, we need to acknowledge that we are experiencing distress or suffering in order to be able to give ourselves compassion.

Although self-compassion is the answer to a life with much less suffering, we have a hard time cultivating it within ourselves. This has to do with the fact that many of us did not experience compassion from others as children, and therefore it is difficult for us to calm ourselves down, it is something we have not learned. In addition, our default is to see the negative and self-compassion is a reverse process, which does not come easily to us. We are often not even aware of the critical way in which we relate to ourselves and live on automatic, not recognizing this possibility and believing that self-compassion will lead us to laziness and defeatism, which in reality is very far from the truth.

To practice self-compassion, we must practice mindful awareness, directing our attention to the present moment with openness, acceptance, and non-judgment. This way we can recognize the judgmental voices and meet the pain they cause. This means allowing the experience to exist as it is and cultivating motivation to alleviate suffering and ourselves. Self-compassion is a courageous choice because we must be able to look our fears in the eye, see things as they are, without assumptions and without filters. It doesn't happen in an instant, choosing self-compassion is like a road map, and each time we will have to choose it anew. In difficult moments, it helps us take a deep breath, make room for emotions, observe our thoughts without judgment, and deal with the ever-changing reality. Step by step, hour by hour, and with attention. Studies on the effectiveness of self-compassion in promoting development and growth processes and motivation for change show that what we really need is rest. Simply rest.

"Happiness is born from the possibility of accepting ourselves exactly as we are, from the knowledge that pain and joy, weakness and strength, fame and failure are all essential to the human experience."

Dr. Christine Neff

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