how to work with anger

I have an intimate relationship with anger. I know its living energy well, it feels like fire and comes with very real physical reactions. For many years, I was angry. I had a deep wish to stop all the wrong and exploitative things in the world, everything I saw as injustice or harm. I didn’t realize how much anger was costing me. It was simply there, with no question or choice. I acted from it, and my actions didn’t bring satisfying results. The people I argued with only became more certain of their own views, and I was left with even more anger.

Cruelty, exploitation, violence, and injustice do justify anger. When people treat us badly, it’s natural and fair to feel angry. In situations that might harm us, anger serves as a warning it tells us that something is wrong and can help us set boundaries. Like all emotions, anger is legitimate; we don’t need to reject it. However, because we humans don’t like to face our own flaws directly, anger toward others can also be a sign that we’re disconnecting from the parts of ourselves we don’t like. When we project those unwanted traits onto others, it helps us maintain a positive self-image. The problem is that then our self-image and reality don’t match and this projection blocks us from growing.

For years, I believed that being angry meant I was fulfilling my moral duty toward injustice and wrongdoing. Letting go of anger felt like giving up in the face of what’s happening. Anger does give us energy and courage to act but it’s a blind energy. It can easily become destructive to our own interests. Learning to regulate anger helps us avoid impulsive reactions and act more wisely and effectively. Another important understanding about anger is that everything in life has the potential to frustrate us, disappoint us, and make us angry. The things we get angry about are part of reality and we, as human beings, are also bound by the laws of reality, even when we don’t like or agree with them. This time in history is especially challenging because we’re constantly exposed to reports of violence, abuse, and corruption not only here in Israel, but all over the world. Our minds struggle to hold so much human cruelty, and that can awaken feelings of anger, frustration, and despair. I remind myself that violent events have always existed throughout history today, we simply know more about them. Since I don’t have the power or authority to change the world, I understand that the only reasonable choice is to change my inner attitude toward it. This means paying attention to which emotional and mental states help me and which ones harm me. Anger makes me lose myself in the suffering of the world. But I can be sensitive to the pain of others without getting lost in it. In fact, that’s how I can become a stabilizing force in the face of all that’s wrong.

The more of us who act not from anger and hate but from love, sensitivity, healthy boundaries, and self-respect the more we can help balance the world. So instead of trying to silence anger, repress it, act from it, or scold ourselves for feeling it we can pause for a moment, listen, and ask: What does this anger mean? What is it trying to tell me? Where do I feel it in my body? How strong is it from 1 to 10? We can hold anger gently, allow it to be there, focus on the raw, living experience of it, and get to know it as much as we can. Like running, this should be done gradually: start with the small irritations and slowly move toward the deeper anger that comes from being hurt by someone. Anger is a vital and important emotion. If we learn how to approach it with awareness, it can become a source of growth and expansion.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Carl Jung