Boundaries

It may sound harsh, but sometimes it seems to me that my whole life has been a long struggle with setting boundaries. It wasn't easy for me to set boundaries and I'm still learning. Throughout my life I was sure that all people saw reality the same way I did and it felt unpleasant to set a boundaries, I was afraid that I might hurt or offend. I didn't understand, how is it that they don't understand? How is it that they do what they do? How is it that they don't see that they are hurting? Setting a boundaries came after quite a few times when i took on more than what was right for me or after I agreed to give up myself or parts of myself, which took a high mental and physical toll on me. So the boundary was accompanied by resistance, anger and perhaps also fear, which would increase the chaos and reduce the possibility of communication or personal responsibility for me and the person in front of me. The possibility of meeting the truth as it is, the possibility of clarity and understanding the situation without consequences and while taking responsibility would recede.

The whole thing with boundaries is not easy, it can be confusing. There will always be external or internal forces acting on me and I will have to learn to deal with them. There will always be people who will need something from me that is more than I am willing to give at that moment, and I will have to be clear and unambiguous with them. Yes, there are people who ask for a clear boundary, one that cannot be interpreted or flexed, and I may have to deal with their reaction to the boundary. Sometimes, it is also not easy to recognize when the boundary has been crossed, because the crossing of the boundary will be almost transparent. The right words are said, but the energy behind them or the behavior that follows the words does not match them. Something feels wrong in the body. It is not easy to put your finger on what exactly is taking more from me than I am willing to give, what is it that leaves me drained and tired after interacting with certain people.

More than being able to clearly say no (and by the way, I learned that "no" is a complete sentence, you don't have to go on with explanations after it), the real meaning of boundaries is not something we say, but something we do. Setting a boundary will not be related to what the other person does. It is the possibility of acting for me in a way that is soft and kind to myself. A boundary is an action, not something that is shouted, it is not an ultimatum, it is not said in anger and it is not something that I hope deep in my heart that someone will do for me. If, for example, I am waiting for someone around me to change so that I can be safe, so that I can be myself, that is not a boundary, that is a hope or expectation for something that is not worth building too much on. Even if a boundary feels like a punishment, it is not a boundary because a boundary is my way of protecting myself, my way of maintaining a regulated and calm nervous system, a way of maintaining peace. Only I know what is right for me and what I need right now. The knowledge of an internal boundary comes from within, from an internal knowledge of what I am willing or unwilling to tolerate, what blocks me or holds me back. It is always in relation to ourselves. If, for example, I think non stop thoughts about someone who did something bad or hurtful to me, this means that I allow them to live in my mind, allowing them space, free access. We can then say that I am crossing my own boundary. That I am putting my energy into what I am opposing, and whatever we are opposing will continue and intensify. The more we gather our focus and become concentrated and clear about what is right for us, what advances us, we will reduce the possibility of people and ourselves crossing the internal boundaries.

Healthy boundary setting asks me to be in touch with my innermost truth. Instead of attacking or threatening, communicate clearly to myself first and then outwardly if necessary, what it is that I need right now, what is right for me and supports me. And if it is the person in front of me who is not able to give it to me right now, I am the one who can always give it to myself. A boundary is not a matter of ultimatums or war. It is an agreement I make with myself, an agreement that I commit to maintaining and keeping consistently even when it is difficult.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Break Free Painting by Disha Dua